Love, Marriage, and Divorce (part I)

“The course of true love never did run smooth” William Shakespeare

Love is one of the most beautiful things in this world. Love is the force that keeps the world rotating on its axis, and without it, I believe, the world would stand still.  It is through the lense of love that things are seen in ways we’ve never seen them, our senses are heightened, and our emotions race while considering the possibilities of what this relationship will bring. When love has that “new car smell” nothing can compare to it. For me love was always something I always dreamed about, wrote about, hoped for and sung about. I consider myself a HOPEFUL ROMANTIC. The thought of loving someone, marrying someone, and then divorcing was never a consideration in all my love scenarios.

I truly believe that most people don’t get married with the intent to divorce. They want it to last forever, and they are deliberate and sure when reciting the vows, their love comes from a pure place. However, when it doesn’t end like a fairytale, and there is no happily ever after, it is the worst feeling ever. Nothing in life ever prepares you for divorce. Divorce feels like a death. Divorce takes your breath away. Divorce destroys segments of your heart and soul. I don’t care how tough you are, when you sign those papers, it is life changing. My experience with divorce honestly destroyed a part of me. Even during the roughest period of my marriage, divorce had never entered my mind, however I was lost about what to do to recover it.  I didn’t feel like I had any real help or resources, there was no magic wand to fix it. I felt alone. After a nearly two-year separation, divorce became a reality.  I felt like a failure. I was depressed. I was unmotivated. I was ashamed. I didn’t care about anything. I felt like less than a man. I felt like I let God, my family, her family, our friends, and most of all I let her down. I could not forgive myself. I couldn’t have a healthy relationship after because I couldn’t heal. I was afraid  to get into another relationship because I didn’t want to hurt anyone else, but I still ended up hurting others on the course of trying to find my way. When you don’t really take the time to evaluate your heart, your mind, and your spirit you just carry an open wound to the next relationship. You hurt others by building walls, being emotionally unavailable, non-committal, self-serving, and hidden. A lot of what I had become I didn’t even totally realize it, I was just trying to maintain my heartbeat.

What does a  man do after a failed relationship? Men have to continue to be strong. Men aren’t supposed to cry…right? Men are supposed to just move on, but this just perpetuates the cycle of hurt.  I found myself asking the question, “Is there life after divorce?” my desire was to be the perfect husband, not a perfect man, but everything my wife needed and wanted. I wanted to be an example for other couples of how to love, endure, and have a Godly marriage.  However, that is not my story. The battle with self has been the biggest battle of my life. How to forgive myself. How to chart the next course of my life. My life is still evolving and recovering even after almost 10 years after my marriage ended.

One thing I have come to realize about love, especially once marriage enters the equation, is that each person must make a daily decision to remain in love, cultivate love, and be committed. Totally.

I  can’t claim to have all the answers. I am not a relationship “expert”. I’m just man who still believes in love, loves God, loves family. There are things I have learned and story to tell. I just want people to stay in love.

Men feel too

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4 thoughts on “Love, Marriage, and Divorce (part I)

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